thoughts

I know I have been Debbie Downer for the last week, and this might continue for a while, but this blog is an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and right now I am feeling down so that is the way this is going to be.  I can't find any sunshine and rainbows to shoot out my ass right now, so if that is what you are looking for you might want to skip over my blog for a while.

On thing I have been asking over and over again this week is why is this happening to us?

What have I done to bring all this hurt, pain and struggle on us?  I think we are good people, Hell my husband saves lives for a living, that has to get us karma brownie points somewhere right??

The other night during my breakdown I kept asking DH why us, why me, over and over again.  I try to put the needs of others first, I try and live a good life, why is the universe putting me through this??

DH has told me that maybe I need to learn how to start putting myself first.  I am always worried about letting others down.  For example this weekend is Thanksgiving weekend,  I have been stressed all week about when my period is going to arrive so that I can work in all our family obligations to both sides of the family along with visits clinic.

DH all along has been telling me not to worry about it, we can "call in sick" to either family if needed and not to feel guilty about it, but I still do.  I feel like I will be letting someone down.  It doesn't help that there are some members of the family that express their displease in me when I don't show up to events no matter what the reasoning.  It also doesn't help that we are not telling our families that we have started again.  I just can't take the smothering that I would get from my mother and it is not fair to tell one side and not the other.

I am afraid of letting work down if I don't show up.  There is no one else to get my job done if I am not there, so if I don't show up the work doesn't get done deadlines pile up, things fall apart and it can cost the company thousands of dollars in sales.

So I am stuck in this downward spiral, of knowing I have to put myself first, but I am scare of the repercussion if I do! 

I have taken a few steps lately to try and protect myself. I have gone through and pruned a bunch of people from facebook, people who are posting about their babies and children all the time, those with new babies so my news feed is constantly filled with pictures, some people may have been victims of my facebook pruning and I am sorry for that, I promise when I am back in a better place I will add you back. But for now I need to protect myself,  my heart and my mind.

This Thanksgiving will be hard for me, yes I have a lot to be thankful for, but in other ways I am not happy with the path my life is one right now,  this leads to a guilt spiral, I know I am healthy and so is my family, I have a roof over my head, food on my table and clothing on my back, yet I can't move on that I don't have a baby in my arms.

Am I being selfish for that??