I have been seeing a division in the Adoption, Loss and Infertility Blogging world, it is a strange line in the sand that I think only existed because of the emotions involved in ALI and maybe a lack of understanding.
We need to remember that Infertility does not end with a pregnancy or adoption. There is a long road that those of us have gotten our BFP are still on, and I think we will be until our child is finally in our arms or adoption papers signed seal and delivered.
After years of having shitty luck, trying and failing at everything we do, it is so hard to just switch to a positive mode in thinking just because a pregnancy test give you a plus sign or a social worker tells you a they have a baby for you.
Some people think that those of us with a BFP are now in the land of roses and rainbows, but I have to tell you, for many of us that have gotten pregnant after infertility this is not the case.
After years of struggling, it is hard to think that everything is okay now. While yes "only" 15% of pregnancies end in Miscarriage, after spending years as the 15% of the population that is infertile, it can be hard for some people to just flip a switch in their head and believe that the world is now working in your favor.
The tape that keeps running over and over again in my mind is "well the universe played these cruel tricks on my body for so many years, how do I know that this pregnancy is not going to be taken away from me??" "How do I know that my baby is still alive inside of me", and "how do I know that I am not going to end up being on the shitty side of the statistics again??"
I am doing my best to stay positive and enjoy my pregnancy, but Infertility has stolen my hope and positiveness away from me. I think as Fellow Sisters (and brothers) in the Infertility Fight we can all understand that lack of hope, and sense of fear, trust me, all these feels and what ifs do not go away just because you are pregnant.
As for the "you signed up for this" just enjoy your pregnancy symptoms, I really beg people to try and enjoy it when you are so sick that you pee your pants every time you throw up or are so tired that you almost drive you car off the road because you can't keep your eyes open after sleeping for 14 hours. I have tried to keep my complaints to a minimum on here in trying to keep the feelings of my fellow bloggers still trying for their BFP in mind, But when you day to day life is consumed by trying not to throw up and stay awake while you are at work it is hard not to want to post about it!!
When I was going through my treatments and would read the blogs of women who are pregnant after infertility, and it would give me hope. Hope that one day I might be one of those women, the knowledge that Infertility treatments do work for some people and one day I would be one of those people. I would read their stories of morning sickness and sore feet and think "complain on sister, after everything you have been through you deserve it!!!"
There were days that it was too hard to read about people complaining about their symptoms, but rather then dump on those people, I just moved on, I didn't read or comments on their entry that day.
I guess what I am trying to say is don't judge people, especially if you haven't walked in their shoes. One day you might be here yourself and you wouldn't want to hear someone telling you to suck it up or don't feel the way you are feeling.
I thought the purpose of ALI blogging world was to support one and other through the good times and bad, so why are we putting each other down??
Instead send out the love, because one day, that love will come back to you!!!
EDITED TO ADD: this is not suppose to be a mean post. I am just trying to show the other side of the story. I have been in the position of feeling like crap and not want to hear about others complain about pregnancy, I am just hoping to bring a little light to what goes though our minds when someone is pregnant after infertility.
18 comments:
Great post. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Even though my sweet DS is here, IF is a part of me and I still have a lot of emotional healing to do from it. And it's weird because being IF and pregnant or IF and a mommy...you don't really feel like you fit in anywhere. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope we all can get to the place where we can support each other.
I Am so sorry for this experience. I do think sometimes it's hard for me to look at post-BFP blogs, or if I do, not sure how to comment. I know I've had some feelings of bitterness lately at the world, and I hope nothing I have said has made anyone else feel bad. I do think I will be first in line to complain about pregnancy symptoms, so I know better! I just wish I could be complaining about them too, as crazy as it sounds. :) Anyways, it is a really hard line between pre-BFP post- BFP sometimes and I thank you for pointing it out, I thin it can be hard to talk about...
You are so right. I have read time and again on various blogs that IF leaves an indelible mark on you, whether you have managed to fall pregnant or have had a baby. People who have been through it can't forget the dark days of the past. Sure the pain decreases over time, but the wound will always remain.
I am sure whoever wrote the post must have had one bad day, but hopefully she will realize that we are all in this together.
As for pregnancy symptoms, its just not fair that fertiles get to talk all they want about symptoms, while infertiles should not complain, because this is something they bought upon themselves! Its as if just because we had to work so hard for it, we are not supposed to say anythin about horrible symptoms or sleepless nights once the child is born.
Hope you are feelin better, I know the MS has hit you pretty bad.
Well Poo! I know it's difficult on either side of infertility....whether you are still dealing with trying to conceive, or you've finally conceived after years of trying and are now preggo, uncomfortable and terrified you'll lose the precious bean. For some reason, I DO have a difficult time hearing from my preggo friends in real-life about how much weight gain and all that...but mind you these are folks that tried for one month are still weren't sure they wanted to become a mom. However, with my bloggie friends I am more than happy to support them and listen to their pregnancy symptoms and fears. There is a common bond that knits us all together....forever. And, once you've struggled, I can't help but be thrilled for you that you fought this and WON!
Way to go sara! Great post and i whole heartedly agree. We are here for non-judgemental support!
I have a few thoughts on this!
I agree that it is very difficult on low days to read about people's pregnancy symptoms. Solution? Don't read them.
Things change around us every day. I have been on a certain forum for a long time, and have recently left because it used to be a place where women had just gotten married. Now, it has transformed into a place for new mothers. After lots of tears from pregnancy announcements, I decided that it was not the place for me anymore.
Those that cannot stand to hear of others symptoms should just simply not read. There is no shame in that. You need to do what's right for you, and if hearing pregnancy stories is causing you stress and ill feelings, come back when you're in a supportive mindset, whenever that is!
Sarah, don't let those commenters get you down. Their issue is with their situation, and not with you.
It's a shame when a group of people are supposed to be supporting each other, when one very bitter person comes along and says negative comments.
Just because we're pregnant doesn't mean the battle was harder to get to that point, it doesn't mean it's not important, and it definitely doesn't mean things will come smoothly for us. I am surprised that people don't get that - a BFP doesn't mean we get to come home with a baby. And like you said, a social worker saying that you've been chosen doesn't mean that either. I've seen at least 2 people that are real life friends have miscarriages this past two months, and around 4 in my infertility community I've followed miscarried. I've seen a few people who were chosen to be parents, just to be told things changed a few days after.
Infertility is a time of being supported, but pregnancy is as well. I agree, we have our rights to complain. It doesn't mean we don't feel blessed, because I know we do. We feel really blessed, we know we're lucky to be where we are.. but that doesn't mean we don't have a right to complain about nausea, energy, or worrying about miscarrying.
I always wonder why some people cannot support others the same way we try supporting them.
*BTW thank you for the suggestion, I'll look into them. Oddly enough my nausea has calmed down today (hopefully that's good news). LOL I don't blame you for sleeping days before and a day after doing that work!! I'd probably have to do the same!
Hmmm...I must be out of the loop here, but I agree with all that you said, my dear!
And, I'm right behind ya!
I agree, the problem is not you... *hugs* You are entitled as anybody (even more entitled!!) to celebrate and complain. Sorry these aren't any deep words of wisdom, I just wanted to let you know how I feel... and let you know that I hear you!
I agree completely with your blog and with the above comments. I use my blog to express my emotions, frustrations, doubts etc. That is the purpose of blogging for most people, be it TTC, pregnant or raising a child, and receive support that we cannot get outside the infertility circles. Why should one be afraid of posting anything on his/her blog - those are his/her thoughts and therapy? If one doesn't like what is posted - don't read it!!! I've done it as well, when I cannot agree to the post or sympathize, I just pass it without comment. We are looking for support and sympathy and not judgment - there is judgment galore in the real world! I am sorry this turned out a bit long, but I could feel how upset you were, and you had all the right to be.
I've figured this all out now. I was taken aback when I first read this all and was actually very hurt.
I agree 100%.
I agree with some of the other comments. 99% of the time the only pregnancies I do want to hear about are the IF related ones. Because you won the first battle. I understand it is still hard and you are all my inspiration that it will happen to ME! but on the 1% days when I am down and depressed and in a rut I might skim past. But I will never forget the ones that made it to the other side cause I will be there too one day!
I am sad to hear that anyone who is in this community would be harsh to you after you got your BFP. I think there are many of us that would stand in line to protect you - many of us that have yet to get our BFP. I am happy for all of those that get their BFP and understand that complaining about the pains of pregnancy come with the territory - regardless of how one got pregnant, it's an intense thing.
You hang in there and keep speaking your truth, I admire you for it!
I'm late to this party but I'd like to add that although most of us read and share in other blogs to be part of a community, we also start our own blogs as a place to express our feelings. I think if you have to censor your true feelings, what's the point of the blog? Why log on in January 2011 to rehash how you felt in January 2010. The point is to express what's going on with you now. The beauty of reading a blog is tapping into another's experiences and emotions and inner thought life. It doesn't count if it's fake - if it's not how you really feel. What a waste of time it would be to read people's fake blogs. So please continue to express your true feelings on your blog for your benefit and ours.
Also - if IF blogs never became pregnancy blogs, IF would be a lot more depressing. While TTC, one of my favorite things to do was to search for blogs about pregnancy after endo or pregnancy after blocked tubes.
Before I was pregnant, I couldn't read pregnancy blogs, it was just too hard. I thought once they got pregnant everything was as you said, "peaches and roses." Boy was I wrong. I am not a regular pregnant woman, I am an infertile pregnant woman. I have every worry going through my head. I have to remind myself to just be happy and let it go. I am more than greatful for these blessings, but it doesn't make it easier.
Thanks for this post! It is exactly how I have been feeling.
I just came across this post and just want to THANK YOU for expressing what I have wanted to say (and what I still feel) so very well! I thought about the statistics in the same way - we are always fighting the uphill battle and then when you are pregnant, you are on the other side. But, it doesn't feel that way. You are used to being the minority, the one who gets screwed, the one who constantly fails, so it's very hard to believe that it may actually work. Oh - and I totally agreed with another post you write about seeing the baby on the ultrasound screen or in pics, not feeling like it's your body you are looking at. I am the same way!! So weird! Defense mechanisms are very strong things!!
Here from Creme de la Creme
I LOVE THIS POST!!! I struggled with what could and couldn't blog about after my BFP. Hell, in my "bfp" blog I didn't even actually say BFP or + hpt or anything like that. I avoided it. I left it vague and just simply insinuated. I was too afraid of offending people.
I didn't unfollow anyone who got pregnant while I was still trying for my BFP. I looked to those posts for hope and help for dealing with what I really prayed would someday be me.
Thank you for saying so well what I could never figure out how to say...
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