I know the tone of my blog has been negative lately and I have to apologize for that.
When things are good in my life I am out and about we are not home, but when things are rough we are stuck at home and I am feeling sorry for myself and that comes out in my blog. Please bear with me and know that I do have my good days.
What is going on now is James have been VERY fussy for the last three days. When he is awake he is screaming or whimpering. He has been screaming so hard he actually stops breathing for up to 20 - 30 seconds. He has yet to pass out, but I have a feeling it is only a matter of time before that happens. He then cries himself to sleep only to wake up and do it all over again. I have been letting him sleep in his swing which means I have been sleeping on he couch. Between the baby screaming and the sleeping on the couch I have had a migraine which hasn't helped. Because of breast feeding I can't take anything but Tylenol, which is like trying to use a water bottle to put out a forest fire.
The last few days his O2 sats have been dropping and his color has been horrible. We had an appointment with our cardiologist today. Of course as soon as we walked into the hospital he started smiling, and pinked right up. His O2 levels were 100%.
The nurse said maybe I needed to get out with him more often so he wasn't stuck at home all day with Mom, REALLY, cause while all this crap has been going on we have either had someone coming to visit us or we have been out visiting friends and family. Every day he has been in contact with others. And how the hell I am suppose to do this when YOU GUYS are telling me I need to go into lock down and keep him away from Cold and Flu (during Cold and Flu Season) so we don't risk James and his surgery date!!!
The Cardiologist was a bit better he understood how I must been feeling but felt that the fussiness was causing his blue spells and not his blue spells (his heart) causing the fussiness. He supportive and encouraging that we have one month to go.
I am also concerned that in the last 24 hours he has only been awake for about 4 of those. I don't know, maybe this is just colic, and where some people might just let him fuss, I can't do that, the more he fusses the more he drops his O2 levels, which is too taxing for his little body.
I just feel like a failure when he is one way at home and then does a complete turn around when we are out. People say things like "oh he just needed to be burped, changed, oh he just wanted grandma". It makes me feel like crap, I know it is not what they mean, those words make me feel like they are telling me I am not doing my job as a mom.
My husband has been amazing. He is so supportive, confirming I am doing a good job and this fussiness is not something I am doing. It is just so hard.
Honestly I am run down and almost at the end of the rope.
I am going to see my family doctor tomorrow, I am hoping she can shed some light on this.
Again I am so sorry I have been negative lately....
3 comments:
You're doing great there! I can only imagine how hard it has been on you to take care of and worry about James. Just remember you need to take care of yourself too, which I know is hard as a mother in general too. We always will put their needs in front of our own.
It's stressful in general being a parent, no less one with the needs he has. *hugs* It's understandable to be stressed out. It'll get better, have faith.
Hey now- this is YOUR blog. YOUR space to vent. No apologies needed, unless you were all "I'm so totally better than all of you it's not even funny and my baby poops unicorns and fairy dust!!!" Though I would definitely fly up to there to see it.
I hope you both feel better and good luck getting through this next month.
That sounds really rough and we all know you are doing the best you can in this situation. I sure hope time passes by quickly over the next few weeks before his surgery. Hang in there. :)
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