Hello!!
Welcome to my little place on the internet.
First off I want to apologize if this post has too many spelling and grammar issues, I am very tired and not through my morning coffee.
This is my first ICLW in a while, but I decided I need to keep blogging to keep my own sanity, and making sure I have posts for ICLW is a great way to get my butt on track again.
I am officially 27 weeks pregnant today. This baby came from IVF #2. This pregancy has not been an easy one from me and this upsets me. The more and more I think about I know that my anxiety and depression has been with me from day one. I have struggled to stay positive and enjoy this "miracle of life". I am being told that considering my history of depression and the fact that this is an IVF pregnancy that it is totally normal.
I have felt very alone for much of this pregnancy. I find myself not wanting to talk about my pregnancy or walk around stroking my stomach wondering if there is an infertile women watch me and feeling the pain I did when I saw a round belly coming towards me. Also many people feel that just because I had an IVF pregnancy I have given up my right to feel like crap, that I should just suck it up and deal with it because "I asked for it".
I am slowly learning it is very normal for Pregnant Infertiles to struggle, questioning everything living each day worried that something is going to go wrong. When you have lived for many years at the shit end of the statistics it is hard not to wonder if you will end up on the wrong side of them again.
So this is my life. Ups and downs on the Rocky Road to Motherhood. I am hoping that by sharing my struggles I may help someone else to feel like they are not alone.
10 comments:
You are not alone...I am feeling the same way. I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and just know that you deserve it!
Happy ICLW!!! I totally know what you mean! I still have moments of fear at 20 weeks pregnant! You are doing great!
You are definitely not alone! I didn't have to go through IVF, but I did go through IUIs (unsuccessfully) and now that I'm pregnant I don't feel like I belong. I struggle with the balance of it all. Try to remember that the good outweighs the bad though. Good luck!
ICLW #150
Stopping by from ICLW, and congrats on 27 weeks!
I can relate to what you said about not wanting to bask in pregnancy and also the feeling that you "aren't allowed" to feel poorly. Hang in there!
glad to see you on ICLW this month! it saddenes me to hear that you have emotional scars during your pregnancy from your infertility. i'm sure that's very normal given what this journey does to us. and i'm very sure that you do help others by writing. i've always loved your honesty about how you are feeling! thanks for being you :-)
Oh this rocky bumpy road! I am newly pregnant after a successful IVF and am realizing that although I've wanted this for so long, it is still just another step on this journey towards my family. I thought that this was the goal, but really i am still a long ways from my goal.
I too have struggled with anxiety and depression, on and off through out my adult life. Now that I am pregnant, I am tapering off of my medication, but made my dr promise that we could reevaluate if at anytime during the pregnancy it feels like I can't handle it. So far I am focusing on one day at a time and trying to appreciate this experience for what it is, without dwelling in the past of getting too far into the future.
Congrats on third trimester!
and Happy ICLW - Foxy
Congratulations on your little one! I too had a hard time not being worried during my pregnancy. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it or to make any assumptions that everything was going to go okay. I was uncomfortable when my friends wanted to throw me a shower and had to fight them to keep it as low key as possible. I wouldn't even let them call it a baby shower. I just wanted to focus on each day. I would wake up and say "today I'm pregnant" and try to stay positive and enjoy that day. Honestly, I wasn't at ease until my baby was in my arms. In the end though, everything was okay and my day by day method got me through in a way that worked for me. I hope that all continues to go well and that you can find ways to relax a little bit. Hang in there!
ICLW #117
Hi, I am also here from ICLW! I am just 18 weeks pregnant after 2 years TTC, using femara and bd. I have found myself walking around in my office, ready to rub my belly and thinking, who is watching me upset? Did I just make it harder for someone? Because I remember before my BFP the LAST thing I wanted to see was a pregnant belly! But when it was someone I knew that struggled it took away a little of the pain. I thought the same thing when we were making our announcements, if someone isn't that happy, I can understand.
But here you are allowed to be happy and shout it as loud as you can! You had 2 IVF's, you deserve it! And if your a little down that's ok too! Too many hormones racing! One thing I learned with infertility is no one can tell you how you should or should not feel. Cut yourself a break ;)
Good luck to you!!
Sam
oh my gosh, nobody has the right to make you feel like you asked for it so you have no right to complain. I had HG my whole pregnancy and was sick as a dog and felt like I shouldn't complain becuse it was such a miracle and what about all my poor infertile friends who would kill to be in my position etc etc but I was miserable for most of my pregnancy, I hated being pregnant but I wanted a child and being pregnant was part of that.
Sure it would be nice if us IFers got a dream pregnancy as a trade off for how hard it was to achieve pregnancy but that isn't how the world works and nobody has the right to make you feel like you can't complain just because you wanted something - hell most people who get pregnant easily wanted to be pregnant, does that mean they can't complain either?
Sorry, I just find that so annoying. You have every right to complain if you're feeling rough and pregnancy after infertility is extremely hard emotionally let along physically.
I hope it gets easier for you through the last few months of your pregnancy. Congratulations for being on the way to achieving your dream, I'm sorry it's been a rough adjustment.
Here for MAY ICLW--I know I'm commenting on an older post of yours, but I just had to say: yes, I know what you're going through. I just wrote about it, in fact. Being infertile and pregnant is like a very difficult balancing act between happiness and terror.
I'm thinking of you. Happy 31st week of pregnancy! Glad to have found your blog via ICLW.
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