"oops, I'm Pregnant"

"oops I'm pregnant", those are the three hardest words for any woman going through Infertility can hear,

Now I know some of you that follow this blog have a little one around because of an oops moment, I will be honest, when I found out I was a little upset, because you have been invited to read this it means that I like you, which means that I was 80% happy for you and only about 20% jealous, compared to the 20% happy and 80% jelous I feel for the other women I hear about.

It just sucks to hear about people get pregnant without even trying, or on the first month of trying, it is like getting a dagger through the heart, it can start me feeling like I am spiraling downward into a deep pit of depression.

I feel like I have worked so hard, I quit smoking, I quit drinking, waking up early every morning even on weekends to charting, taking different medications, turning sex into a chore, throwing everything out the window and when that didn't work not trying at all just enjoying ourselves, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, practically standing on my head after each time we have had sex, and nothing, nada, a big empty womb.

Why do they get it so easy, why do they get the lucky ones, where I sit here 3 years later with empty arms and an empty heart. My husband and I have so much love to give a child, so why have we not been successful??

I am tired of avoiding family events because I am afraid of people asking about our family plans, I am tired of avoiding baby showers because I am afraid people will noticed that I am not oohing and aahing over the baby outfits because it is just too hard.

I am trying to stay positive right now for IVF, but sometimes it is so hard, what happens if we are not successful on the first time? Will I be able to handle that disappointment? What happens if we are never successful, will I be letting my poor hubby down??

It is horrible that 3 small little words can bring forth so many emotions in me.