Yesterday's post was a happy one, today's not so much.
I hate what Infertility has robbed me of.
It has stolen so many years of joy and happiness. It took baby making from a fun adventure to a step by step medical procedure. I couldn't enjoy the pregnancies of friends and family because my own jealousy.
Now that I am pregnant I find myself worrying is everything okay, what if something has happened and I don't know yet, what if something is wrong with the baby. I wish I could be like the other pregnant girls at my work, laughing and giggling, glowing and enjoying their pregnancies, not worrying about every little twinge and twitch. I still out of habit check the toilet paper every time I wipe, wondering is this the time I am going to see blood.
I am on another message board filled with mommies and mommies to be, they are an amazing support to me. When I got pregnant, 3 other ladies announced their pregnancies with me. I was super excited to have due date buddies, we would go through our pregnancies together!!
Sadly these 3 other ladies have lost their babies. I am the only one of the July mommy left. I find myself really struggling with this.
I think of the sadness they might feel when I talk about all the firsts during this pregnancy, the first time I feel the baby move, when I get to hold the baby for the first time, all of Mo's firsts, I know they will be thinking of there little angel that they lost and now I find myself feeling guilty for my happiness.
I feel for these ladies, while our situations are different, I know how they are feeling, mourning a child they will never hold. I am so scared that my pregnancy will cause they hurt and pain. I am scared they may feel the jealousy that I have felt towards others and I wouldn't wishes that on my worst enemy!
I hate what infertility has done to me, had I never battled infertility for 4 years I would feel bad for them, but I would never truly understand those deep feelings of pain.
Those nights of sobbing so hard you can't catch your breath,
Begging God to tell you "Why me, what did I do to deserve this."
Those deep stabs to the heart when you see a mother holding a newborn child.
Morning the child that you will never hold in your arms.
It sucks.
16 comments:
Your post brought tears to my eyes. IF does change us. We start value things that others take for granted.
I hope you can have more positive feelings and positive thoughts through your pregaancy. Remember women who did have beautiful babies following IVFs or other procedures, and seek inspirations in their stories, like I seek inspiration in yours.
Oh, what a horrible thing to be the only July EDD mommy left. That is awful. I'm so sorry. Being pregnant is so difficult after IF or loss. I struggled so much with the first two trimesters of my pregnancy. It wasn't until I was into my third that I allowed myself to enjoy things and even then I struggled. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it is always hard. Though I think you can enjoy it more later. And it is sad that you can't enjoy it the way others do, naively, not realizing that things can go wrong. I hope that you find a way to enjoy this wonderful time in your life. I know it's difficult, but I'm sad sometimes that I missed out on that joy. If I am lucky enough to have another successful pregnancy I want to enjoy it more. No anti-anxiety meds, no crying all the time, no checking the TP, just enjoying it for the miracle it is. We'll see...
PS - Thanks for the comment on my blog!
Thanks for stopping by my blog...
I can relate to where you are coming from. I had a post recently about a similar issue since I found out I was pregnant (pregnancy after IF or loss is so hard). It is amazing how IF has changed the way that I think about pregnancy. I am well into my 2nd trimester and I still fear loss and the unknown.
Here from ICLW. Thanks for your comment on my blog! I just wanted to reassure you, as somebody who has had 2 losses. 3 of us (from my blog list) got pregnant around the same time, I was the only one to lose my child (who would have been due July 1st 2011).
I have to say this, I'm not jealous. I'm happy for you,and for the two wonderful other women due around then. Honestly though, I don't know WHY I'm not jealous or angry and biter, I'm just thankful I'm not. Enjoy your pregnancy- its a beautiful thing, and you have earned this joy, you deserve all of it and more.
Congrats on your pregnancy and thanks for commenting on my blog!!! It was really hard for me to be pregnant and have others around me struggling.
what a beautiful, honest post. i was really saddened to hear that you had three other ladies to enjoy and share your journey only for them to lose their babies. it's always tough...but you should never feel guilty for taking pleasure in the fact that after a rocky road, you got pregnant and ARE pregnant.
speaking personally from having a m/c -- i would never want another woman to feel guilty because i'd lost and she hadn't. please try not to feel guilty...you deserve every happiness. *big hugs*
I am so sorry you have to feel like this.
I love your previous post about flatulence, totally feeling that way lately as well!! LOL.
I know how you're feeling. I've been on both sides of infertility (and pregnancy loss). I was part of two EDD groups, I was actually the person who started them but had to give it up when I miscarried both times. I watched them go on to have their child and I remember the pain. I had a SIL deliver their third child when I should have been due. I had a close friend find out she was pregnant when I was miscarrying this last time.
I'm also where you are as well, I had found out I was pregnant the same time a friend found out she was miscarrying. So far everything is going well in my pregnancy, but I totally get the pain. I refuse to tell any one right now, but she'll be the first I talk to before I make any announcements.
It's great you show so much sympathy to these ladies. Thank you, because you're showing so much empathy that half this world doesn't have. Every one has their own battles and trials. It's hard for them to go through, but it's good to care about them. A lot of people don't show that.
New follower -
Krystal
ICLW #111 - Buzz off infertility
Thank you for your comment on my blog.
As someone who was one that lost a pregnancy recently, your post brought tears to my eyes. One of the "gifts" I have gained from my own IF is empathy for others.
Wishing you a wonderful pregnancy full of happy moments!
Just breathe...after all, good things come to those that wait.
Good luck and best wishes
You're right it really is unfair what IF has taken. I too hate the feelings of jealousy, sadness and incredible heartache it has brought. I'm so sorry you're the only July EDD mother left, thats understandable it has caused you worry. Hoping that you're able to find more moments of joy and peace with this pregnancy.
Thank you for stopping by my blog and your kind words last week, it meant a lot to me.
Boy, did this resonate with me. My pregnancy with my twins after loss and three rounds of IVF was fraught with anxiety, fear and guilt (two twins moms I knew lost their babies in utero). It sucked. The only things that helped me cope was just total escapism (reading, watching bad TV) and staying far, far away from Dr. Google. It's awful that IF robs us to a large extent of joy in pregnancy. I am wishing you a wonderful pregnancy and lots of baby joy :)
I so feel you here, infertility totally robbed my of being able to feel secure in my pregnancy. I didn't buy anything until after viability, I spent all my time waiting to feel movement and then when I could feel it I spent a lot of time freaking out about the times he was still... I didn't feel comfortable until my son was in my arms. Oh I enjoyed so much of it, I just never felt truly safe. I hate that infertility took that away.
congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it is uneventful but joyful.
I can understand why you feel that way. However, I can say that, after 7 years of battling IF, I do feel jealousy of pregnant women, but I also feel happy for them. While I may not have my child, they do have a baby and I would never wish the feelings I have on them. You have to be able to look beyond your own pain and feel joy for others, knowing that one day that happiness will be yours as well.
I am so sorry that you're not able to enjoy your pregnancy as much as you might otherwise do if you hadn't had to struggle with IF. It is so frightening, but hopefully you'll still be able to celebrate the milestones along the way and be pleased with what you have achieved thus-far.
It is hard to move on to the other side -- leaving behind a support group that's been your rock for so long. I constantly worried during my pregnancy but finally relaxed after the second trimester.
I feel terrible for those who experienced m/cs. They are also a reminder of what might be; of our worst nightmare.
But try to remember that things are going well for you and that you've come this far, which means you have much to look forward to.
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